Yet another update of my blog, who woulda thunk it? I've returned since I like updating my blog and I just spent about two hours looking through old blogger urls.
https://feferipeixes.blogspot.com/ this one's my favorite. The layout is absolutely beautiful, and I thought the entries were really nice. I liked them a lot. It makes me wanna do some updating to my layout but I think I'll worry about that at a later date.
Been feeling a lot better than I did last update, I'll say that much. I'm still kind of stressed because of school related shit but I'll live. My anxieties are preventing me from doing the things I need to to have open communication with my professor and advisor. In the words of Lit: "ITS NO SURPRISE TO ME I AM MY OWN WORST ENEMY!!!" Right now though, I'm okay. Other than those worries. I do have to say though my head's been acting kind of weird the more I think about it.
I tend to do this weird thing where when I think too hard about something I forget what exactly it is I was thinking of. For example, when I go to put my lunch pin I sometimes think too hard about what the pin number was, and I forget it. It's weird. My memory has always been spotty but I feel like I've been thinking more about just how weird it is. I also tend to have these headaches that make it feel like my brain is bleeding a little. It isn't. I think. My brain gets this strange sensation that I don't like sometimes. There's thing drawing I've seen on tumblr of Jake English of his head cracked slightly and like. colors flashing like with lord english you know? It's strange. That's how I feel a lot of the time, like my brain's been damaged when it really hasn't. probably anyways. I want to glue the cracks in it back together, so I can sort of feel normal again.
Good deeds though, that part. I've been staying with my aunt for a bit since my mother is out of the country and it's given me the opportunity to spend time with my family. I look after my baby cousin, and it can be pretty hard and annoying sometimes but I love him. I kind of realized that kids are about as fragile as glass, and I don't mean just because their health is more brittle, I mean that because just about every minute thing you do around a kid impacts their development more than you'll ever know. I mean, think about it. Something as simple as teaching a kid how to ride a bike or tying their shoes, or how to draw, have the potential to be core memories in their lives despite the fact that it doesn't seem that important in the moment. Or at least to me. Some of my fondest memories were faking being asleep so that one of my parents could carry me out of the car into the house. It was probably just a nice deed to them, but it meant a lot to me. And it still does. So I wanna give my baby cousin as many good experiences as I can, so he has good memories of me for when he gets older. Besides, if I don't, who will?
It has also made me realize that I'm kind of unsure of if I want kids of my own, though. My cousin is cute and lovely and all, but I don't know if I have the patience to handle taking care of a whole baby for 18 years and raising it. My aunt views having kids akin to a moral duty, if you've been given the gift of life then it naturally makes sense that you should share it with someone else right? No. Wrong. That's stupid. Having kids is not your moral duty it's a choice you make for a multitude of reasons. The idea that having children makes you more morally sound than someone else who chooses not to is dumb, really dumb. I mean sure, giving someone the gift of life sounds good on paper, but life doesn't just begin and end with birth. You have to take in what kind of world you're birthing this child into, if you can afford to properly care for the kid, provide for them, etc. To be honest, with the current state of the world I wouldn't feel good about giving birth to a kid right now. I mean, not that I can, but I wouldn't if I could. I just don't like it when people ascribe moral duty to having kids for populating the earth, or giving people more life or whatever. Because their idea of life is just being alive, but it's so much more than just being alive and breathing. But people don't get that, and it drives me up a wall.
That's about it though. I hope you enjoyed reading cause I liked writing it! This is paw, signing out.
PS; I'm changing the font after this update from here on out. Try to guess what it is!
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