Hello friends, friendettes, and frixnds. I've returned to my blog with another update after, like, a MONTH. It's been so long, I realize that and I apawlogize for it. I’ve been telling myself I’m gonna update the blog, I wanna update and talk about this, this, or that! And then I never do. Womp womp. But I promise I’m actually going to do it today and this is proof of that! Let’s just hope I finish this and it’s not unfinished forever like my other drafts.
So. Life. I went to the cherry blossom festival with Roxy and my sibling and their friend and I had a blast. I’m gonna blog more in depth about that experience probably on a later date because I have a feeling this update is going to be a lot more negative than my usual ones, and I wouldn’t want to taint that lovely experience with the tome of bellyaching I’m probably going to get up to here. But look out for that soon. For now, as to not spoil the post, just know that it’s probably the best experience I’ve had this entire month, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Oh yeah, full disclosure this post is probably gonna be a whole lot of vent but still pretty vague so don’t worry about it too much.
Outside of that, though, I can’t lie, things have kind of sucked. I think this might be the worst month I’ve had all year. I’ve been trying to stay positive and look forward to the light at the end of the tunnel but it just got me thinking about what happiness even is to me any more. Deep, I know. Super deep. But like ever since about December of last year I think(? I can’t exactly put a real date on it.) I’ve decided that I want to be happy, so I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure that I can be and will be. And doing everything in my power to make sure that people know that I’m happy. Because I am! I think? I don’t really know, argh. That’s my issue.
Anyways, getting off topic. I decided that I want to be happy and I’m gonna live every day with that attitude in mind. And so far it’s worked pretty well, I mean with some bumps up and down the road. But when I don’t feel happy, it’s the worst. I mean obviously since nobody wants to feel upset unless you’re some kind of emotional masochist, but when things are low, they’re low. Like last week has probably been the worst week I’ve had all year of just crap after crap piling up to make a giant shit sandwich that I have to try and ignore for the sake of being happy. But just how real is that happiness if I have to ignore all of my issues until they pile up and stare me dead in the face to the point where I can’t ignore it? It all feels so fragile at some point, like no matter how hard I attempt to run from the sadness that used to feel so encompassing in my life it’s still there, and there’s nothing I can do to fix that. That’s probably an extremely nihilistic way to look at it, but how good is just writing it off as nihilism when it’s something that I feel? I’m not exactly sure.
“Sadness is a fleeting feeling” is something I often tell myself just to help myself get over the feeling. For the every thunderstorm there’s a rainbow, after all. But I don’t know, maybe I’m just wallowing in the feeling but sometimes it would be nice to just allow myself to feel upset when I am upset and not try to get over it as quickly as possible so I can focus on being happy. Like it’s okay to feel things. It’s okay to feel sad, but also somehow it doesn’t feel okay to feel sad because that just makes you feel miserable. It’s complicated, as are most things.
Have you ever listened to a song that could alternate between being comforting in the sense that it makes you feel like everything’s gonna be okay, but also comforting in the sense that it just kind of lets you sit with that feeling for a while and just feel it. That’s how I feel about lots of songs, most of which I can’t remember the names of off the top of my head. Right now, that song for me is The Absence of God by Rilo Kiley. I’ve been getting into Rilo Kiley lately, I love their music. But this song in particular feels like the painting Ophelia by Sir John Everett Millais. Primarily that it gives me the same pseudo-sensory experience of lying in the lake of cold water, contrasting with the warm feeling of my skin and sort of just closing my eyes. When you close your eyes it lets you take in and experience everything, you know? No visual distractions other than the sound of the forest and the coldness of the water. It’s also probably worth noting that Ophelia was dead in that painting LOL, and that part I think does also have a bit to do with my mental association.
The song itself is about self destructive tendencies in relationships, which I assume leaves the singer alone at some points. But I also think about the absence of god bringing comfort as an absence of life, since god is the creator of all life and sort of representative of it in a sense. I don’t know, art is in the eyes of the beholder, I think that’s how the saying goes. The point is that I like that song and it makes me feel comfortable, or just makes me relax depending on the mood. And right now it certainly feels like an Absence of God type of day. One might even say, it’s Suicide Friday. And hey, it actually IS Friday, so it works!
That’s about all I have to say, you can choose to take whatever you’d like from this blog update that’s up to you really. I just hope you’re certainly doing better than I am right now, haha. This is momo signing out.
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