Hi all. Grab a chair and take a seat of the table, this princess' party is back on. It's been a hot minute since I've last updated this blog... I think a month or two to be exact! Wow, time sure does fly doesn't it? I've been meaning to, anyway. I got like two drafts locked up in the vault that I'll get out eventually, but for now we're here. Here we are in the future, kind of bright.
At the moment life has been pretty shit. To be fair, it looks like it's been abysmal for almost everyone around me too which isn't very comforting but at least I know I'm not alone in all of this. Near the end of June, after life was looking pretty up for me, it felt like a giant tidal wave of sadness crashed over me for just about no reason and I've been having to tread water in it since then. It's been about 1,411 hours 20 minutes and 29 seconds since we've last known peace 'round these here parts, bucko. It's just been terrible, not much more I can say on the matter without getting 2 purrsonal 2 quick. 2purrsy2quicky. At first I really just relished in being alone aside for a few friends because my mind's decided that I hate everyone and everyone hates me, but Rose unfortunately dragged me out of my cave to get me to talk to people again so I guess I've been doin' that. It's... alright I guess. Not nearly as fun as February-Mid June of this year but it satisfies well enough.
If it helps, after a while of failed job searches I finally got an interview. Said interview went great, even though I was pretty nervous about it at first. Now we just wait for the results of it to come back and see whether or not Malik is gonna be working or not.
I really hope I will be. Sitting on my ass talking to my friends and watching movies is not the life for me it seems. Especially when everyone's going off to college.
Oh yeah, that's another thing that's happening. My best friends Ray and Angelo are going off to college soon. And Rose is too I guess. It makes me fear for the future. I can't imagine a world where my favorite chronically online friends have to lock in and go away because they're focusing on school. That scares me. It's scary, really scary. But in all seriousness it really just has me thinking about how weird it is that the guys I've been friends with for about 3 years or so are now off to the "real world" so to speak. In a way we all experienced high school together, or at least I kind of did with them. So it's a bit of a stretch to say that I like, grew up with them, but I certainly feel a little different than when we all first met. However I felt anyway.
We all used to stay up on school nights and draw together, talk about our oc's and ship them together, draw them in various states of undress, all that good stuff. The sun would be coming up and then I'd realize that I gotta get off whiteboard so I can actually sleep. It was a complete detriment to my sleep schedule honestly, but do I regret any of it? Hell no. If you told me I could relive one of those nights again I'd do it in a heartbeat. But now that everyone's been caught up in school and like, actually having lives, it feels like things have changed. New friendships outside of the friend group emerged, new friendships within the friend group emerged, people getting jobs, it's so weird. Now like four out of the seven people in our friend group are off to college, and I'M NEXT. I'm about as excited for it as I am literally terrified.
Okay. Maybe terrified is a bit of a stretch. It's not like I'm shitting my pants scared over having to worry about going off to college, it's just a little daunting. I feel like instead of being depressed this summer I probably should've been more worried about deciding where I'm even supposed to be going. But I guess if I don't do it now I never will. To me, college feels like that period in your life where you haven't really gotten everything figured out, but you get the independence to figure that out and make a hell of a lot of mistakes in the process. The word I'm looking for is "young adulthood," but you get what I mean. Young adulthood feels daunting. Not as much as it used to be anyway, seeing that a lot of my friends are young adults. In a way, looking at their lives through the brief glimpses I get of it makes it feel less scary. I don't know why it feels so creepy to admit that, but it does make it seem less intimidating and more like. I don't know. Unserious. I like seeing my friends who are off at college like Mok, Jay, Teeg & Gordon. I don't think that saying they're inspiring is necessarily the right wording, (Mok's life is anything but inspiring, she's evil) but it does make things feel less scary and realize that it's just another part of life. I feel like such a baby saying that, oh well. I still got like a year until adulthood is something I really gotta worry about, I'm gonna try to make the most of whatever I get until that arrives.
Now taking a bit of a pivot; college. Where am I gonna go? I don't really know that yet. Most of the choices I've had in mind were primarily in state just because tuition is less expensive, but my father told me to think outside of the restraints I've set for myself. (This guy really wants me out of here, huh) So I considered going to the school that Teeg is at, and I think I'm gonna apply. I've also considered South Dakota State, I might apply there too but I'm not too sure on it. I dunno. I was primarily looking into all of the in-state universities like I said before, it's comfortable, safe. There's a high chance I'll already know everybody at the in-state places, so why move away?
Sure, it sounds like a good idea in theory but is that what I really want? I'm not really sure.
As much as safe is nice it's not good enough in my mind. I know everyone, but I also like, know everyone if that makes sense. It's the same, nothing's really changed. It would be nice to have a change of scenery once in a while, it gets a little boring having to deal with the same few places all the time. And even then, a part of me feels like despite the fact that I've lived here [my state, area, whatever] all of my life I barely know anything about this place. I was actually working on another blog post about this very topic but in spite of being involved with my community's y'know, *community*, I feel like I have a lack of any real connection to the queer community around here. I guess I know and/or knew a few gay people, all of which either moved away for college or are still here, just not very close to them. I kind of want to change that, it's a little isolating to be honest. I wanna get to know more about my area instead of being a little isolated and sort of out of the loop. I wanna at least do this before I have to move away for college anyway.
I ought to make a bucket list, that's what I oughta do. I really don't know why I didn't think about that sooner.
There's still so much I wanna see, still so much I wanna do, yadda yadda. And it's up to me to achieve all of those things no matter what limitations or hurdles I have, that's how I've always thought about it anyway. Like take college for example, I want to go so bad but I had an abysmal junior year. Like, pretty bad. I've got to get my shit settled this year or have my luck come in clutch for me to achieve my dream of going to college and becoming a pharmacist. Oh yeah, that's my new dream career! I don't know if I've ever talked about my dream careers on here anyway, but since I was little I always had the dream of being a psychiatrist, but I had a change of heart last year. No matter what, I just want to work in the medical field. Helping people calls me, but especially helping people get the help that I wasn't able to access for a lot of my life due to Circumstances Out of My Control. If I could help someone get the proper medication they need, work in pharmaceutical research and aid in the creation of life-saving treatment, or just help people any way I can, no matter how small, I think I'd die a happy man. And all I want is to die a happy man.
I think that's a nice note to leave this blog on. I'll talk with Teeg and Rose about college when I get freed from my dad's place and can finally go back home. Which I hope comes sooner than later, a guy can only take hearing his name get yelled so many times before he starts to get a migraine.
This is Malik, signing out.
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